You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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