I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
