Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
