The maid of honor just puked.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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