Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
