I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
