Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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