I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
