yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
