I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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