"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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