i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
