my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
