next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
