pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
