She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
