Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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