the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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