if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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