tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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