Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
