Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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