I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
