I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
