she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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