Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
