you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
