billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
