Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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