Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
