I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
