you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
