I got chris browned last night
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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