She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
