oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm sobbing to NWA
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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