I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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