Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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