I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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