Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
