I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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