I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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