just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
