I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
