Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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