You can't motorboat a personality
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize