I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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