If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize