I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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