Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
