This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
