I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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