Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
