Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
