...so i touched it.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
