If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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