And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize