Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
