and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
