it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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