we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
