I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
