dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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