Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
