Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
