i permit you to call me
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
