Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize