Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
